Doc
Nice runs all of the pre-conception tests and then calls to say that my
Antinuclear Antibodies (ANA) are high and he thinks I might have lupus.
He refers me to a high-risk pregnancy specialist but, um, if I have
Lupus, I don’t think I’m going to be having kids. (Yes, people do, but
it’s not really great for their health.)
I’m lucky and the rheumatologist has a cancellation and can see me
that very day! I get there and he tells me that if I don’t have any
symptoms of an auto-immune disease, I don’t have an autoimmune disease!
Wow, that was easy.
***
Lupus
and other scary autoimmune diseases (ignoring the scary state psoriasis
has made of my lower legs and elbows) aside, I decide to see that
high-risk pregnancy specialist about my old ANA after all.
I place a call to Dr. Unavailable and the receptionist says that
before they can make an appointment, I have to fill out a form, which
the dr’s wife/his nurse will review. So they send it to me, I fill it
out and send it back and call to follow up the next week. Oh, they say,
Nurse Unavailable only works on Fridays– from home and she must review
your chart before we will schedule an appointment.
Three MONTHS go by and finally I get the call that Nurse Unavailable
has reviewed my charts and is sending me to the lab for testing. I head
over to the lab, where they approach me with a box full of tubes.
Joking I say, those aren’t all for me, are they? They were. But I get
through it. Another month goes by and I get the call: Dr. Unavailable
will see you now. Well, not now, but next month anyway.
So it’s been a total of maybe 5, 6 months and I am eagerly awaiting
my appointment with Dr. Unavailable. I take the day off from work and
everything, since they tell me it can last up to 4 hours. Then I get a
call, he has an emergency and it’s cancelled. It’s weeks later that he
finally calls and goes over my test results with me. Confirming I have
high ANA and also a faulty MTHFR gene. And that it might mean nothing
but it might cause me to have miscarriages either early or late term.
And that I can stab myself with a needle full of Heparin twice a day if
I want to, but if I’m in a car accident I will bleed out faster. Hmmm.
***
So you
may have guessed by now that I spend a lot of time in dr’s offices and
that I’m addicted to having information and planning my life in great
detail. I’m okay if the plans change, but what I cannot stand is not
having a plan.
So in April I give up the pill and when, by July or August,
nothing’s happened I figure we may as well do the easy thing and find
out if A’s sperm is okay. No sense in wasting time if it’s not, right?
But I really really did not expect for there to be a problem.
Nice Doc calls to tell me the sperm count is 27M. That might sound like a lot,
he says, but it’s not. Does A wear tighty whiteys? Use hot tubs or
saunas? No, no, and no. Well get him to a urologist and find out if he
has a varicose vein or a hormones problem, otherwise it’s IVF for you.
Okay I’m a researcher and I start doing a lot of research.
Eventually I find evidence that Astroglide is not helping matters. (For
details on this, see NIH)
I ask Nice Doc if this is true and he says it is… Um, maybe worth
mentioning sooner? To all your patients? But okay, I like you and in
general you’ve been okay so I’ll let it slide.
So I told you I have vulvadynia and I’m pretty sure I can’t have sex
without lubrication, but A and I decide that we’ll give it a go without
in September. Sure beats IVF, right? And given the new news about the
limited number of sperm, abandon experiments with every day or twice a
day and save it all up for the day my Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor
says is the day.
***
So a
week goes by when I get a call from my close friend. She announces
she’s pregnant and says, "There’s a twist. I’m having twins." Further
questionning reveals she got pregnant the first month she tried. I
extricate myself from the phone conversation and allow myself to be
irrational:
I’m the one who’s been planning this longer!
I’m the one who’s been married 5 years!
I’m the one who has a house with 2 extra bedrooms!
I’m the one who’s financially secure(ish)!
It was a rough night. The next morning, I have my own twist. Very
light spotting 8 days after my peak. Could it be? Could it possibly
be… implantation bleeding? It’s Wednesday and I’m a wreck. Finally
Friday I call Nice Doc and nurse says come in for blood test but you
won’t get it back till Monday.
You can imagine what my weekend was like. Monday at 4am I wake up
and pee on the stick. (I’d been doing this every day.) I peer over and
(ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod) there’s TWO LINES! Nurse calls at 9am and
confirms. Unbelievable!
***
The
last few days of September right up through election day were so great.
Okay so my breasts hurt and I felt like I was drunk for hours at a time
and I had a (real) yeast infection and a cough so bad I pulled a muscle
in my chest, but I was pregnant! Without infertility treatments! And I
was due in early June– I figured I’d be on maternity leave from
Memorial Day through Labor Day. How much more perfect can you get? And
I was only three months behind the "I got pregnant with twins on my
first try" friend. She isn’t planning to go back to work so we would
hang out all summer long with our babies. I had five weeks of happiness.
At seven weeks A and I troop in to Nice Doc’s office and we get to
see the heartbeat, nice and strong. We go out to dinner to celebrate
and my mom asks again if she really has to wait till 12 weeks to tell
all her friends. (I insist yes, but I suspect she’s already told them.)
***
It’s
Election Day and also I have a regular 9 week appointment. A and I get
up early and go to the middle school to cast our votes for the
Democrats. We are feeling hopeful. As I walk home I think horrible
Sophie’s choice thoughts like, would I trade my pregnancy for a Kerry
win? I push them out of my head.
That afternoon I see Nice Doc. We’re chatting away and then he turns
on the ultrasound and puts it in. Hmm, it’s very dark he says. He looks
around some more and I start to panic. Get dressed and come down the
hall, I’ll have the tech take a look on the high res machine.
So now I have a pretty good idea that my baby and I will not be
hanging out with friend + twins next summer. I troop down the hall and
tech and Nice Doc stare intently at the screen for a while, telling me
to breath slowly. Finally I ask, is it gone? Yes, he says, it is. I’m
sorry. The strict no cell phone rule is broken to allow me to call A.
In the wee hours, we find out that Kerry lost, too. A very bad day
indeed. A and I don’t go back to work and on Friday I have my D&C.
When I go back to work the next week, a colleague mentions what a bad
day Tuesday was and I think, How did you know? before I realize he
means the election.
