Thank you for all of your kind, kind words, and I am sorry for the lack of updates. I was staying with a friend and borrowing her computer and didn’t feel right about clearing the browser history more than once.
So where did we leave off? Oh yes, the faint positive last Sunday. Well, this was followed by some good old-fashioned what have we done panic, knowing the only way out now is miscarriage (let’s not consider the horrors of a late term loss) or an actual baby. Mixed with a solid dose of guilt for daring to have doubts and superstition that the doubts themselves were going to cause a loss.
Meanwhile, the test lines were getting just the teensiest bit darker day by day until Thursday, when it got lighter. That’s it, I assumed, early miscarriage. I swore a little but did not have time to dwell, as it was off to an amazing day of skiing in the Alps. During the day, I convinced myself that I would not let an early miscarriage turn into a Big Thing in my life. It’s totally different from the first time, which came after six months of trying (which I realize is nothing, but felt like a lot to me) and a diagnosis of infertility and probably recurrent miscarriage. This time, I’ve already got the fantabulous Gatito, I got pregnant easily, and I’ll just try again. And possibly not till I’d be eligible for FMLA, dammit.
Then Thursday evening’s stick was darker, as was Friday morning and today. But at 18dpo, I’d like to see a really dark line, you know? This one, while undeniably there, no squinting required, is still lighter than the control, and I don’t know what to make of that.
I really do want to be a normal pregnant person and just show up for what my OB calls a pregnancy confirmation ultrasound at seven weeks, but while I can deal with a miscarriage if I need to, I hate the idea of unknowingly carrying around a dead embryo for three weeks. (I’m unlikely to start bleeding as long as I keep up the progesterone, I think.) So I am thinking that I will call Monday and ask for a beta and progesterone check on Tuesday and Thursday.
If that goes well, I’m totally going to start acting like a normal, unconcerned pregnant person. I swear it.
