Hi there
January 26, 2008Thank you for all of your kind, kind words, and I am sorry for the lack of updates. I was staying with a friend and borrowing her computer and didn’t feel right about clearing the browser history more than once.
So where did we leave off? Oh yes, the faint positive last Sunday. Well, this was followed by some good old-fashioned what have we done panic, knowing the only way out now is miscarriage (let’s not consider the horrors of a late term loss) or an actual baby. Mixed with a solid dose of guilt for daring to have doubts and superstition that the doubts themselves were going to cause a loss.
Meanwhile, the test lines were getting just the teensiest bit darker day by day until Thursday, when it got lighter. That’s it, I assumed, early miscarriage. I swore a little but did not have time to dwell, as it was off to an amazing day of skiing in the Alps. During the day, I convinced myself that I would not let an early miscarriage turn into a Big Thing in my life. It’s totally different from the first time, which came after six months of trying (which I realize is nothing, but felt like a lot to me) and a diagnosis of infertility and probably recurrent miscarriage. This time, I’ve already got the fantabulous Gatito, I got pregnant easily, and I’ll just try again. And possibly not till I’d be eligible for FMLA, dammit.
Then Thursday evening’s stick was darker, as was Friday morning and today. But at 18dpo, I’d like to see a really dark line, you know? This one, while undeniably there, no squinting required, is still lighter than the control, and I don’t know what to make of that.
I really do want to be a normal pregnant person and just show up for what my OB calls a pregnancy confirmation ultrasound at seven weeks, but while I can deal with a miscarriage if I need to, I hate the idea of unknowingly carrying around a dead embryo for three weeks. (I’m unlikely to start bleeding as long as I keep up the progesterone, I think.) So I am thinking that I will call Monday and ask for a beta and progesterone check on Tuesday and Thursday.
If that goes well, I’m totally going to start acting like a normal, unconcerned pregnant person. I swear it.
NBHHY?
I second Amelia… NBHHY. Sending good thoughts for darkening pee sticks, and a high beta.
Here’s to acting (and being) and normal pregnant person. My fingers are crossed for you.
I have no idea what NBHHY means, but I suppose I agree? Absent the appropriate acronym, I will just say - I’m thinking of you..
I am acting that way and so should you. Congrats!
I agree — Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet (NBHHY). Still, I’m total control freak and find odd comfort in beta numbers (plus, it gives me something beyond the multiple pee sticks to obsess over). I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that you get to freak out about a new baby.
I had a bunch of sticks that I peed on after I had my blood test just to see what it would be like to see the 2 lines. The test line was not as dark as the control line for a long time. I know my numbers were at least at like 400+ the last time I took the test.
Looking forward to some test results!
I’ve been wondering how it was going. Sorry to hear about the equivocal pee stick. Damn pee stick! I hope it all comes out unequivocally happy soon.
Hell yes! Ask get, do… you deserve to know, you should not have to wait. You would be considered a high risk pregnancy anyway, no?
All fingers, toes, shit my legs are crossed for you honey!
xo
As a retired professional stick-pee-er, I can tell you each stick has varying strength of the dye - my twins sticks were actually lighter than Smacky’s and my betas were significantly higher. I also distinctly remember peeing on subsequent sticks and wondering why some were lighter than others. I know you know this; sometimes it’s helpful to hear it from someone else though.
I hope it sticks ;-).
Normal pregnant people are overrated.
Fingers crossed.
I hope it is good news! I waited for the 7 week ultrasound last time, but I was a wreck and a useless vessel for those intervening weeks.
ps it sounds good so far. color of the stick has to do with limitations of the stick and also pee dilution. I am excited for you.