I’m totally crazy: I’m not completely convinced I had a miscarriage. I haven’t been thinking this all week– just for the past few hours. The bleeding slowed to spotting and stopped today. Don’t get me wrong– it was a lot of blood for a pregnant person, but somewhat less than a normal period overall and not as much as I would have expected for a miscarriage. And it is conceivable (no pun intended) not to see a sac on a five week ultrasound, according to Dr. Google, especially on the low tech, mobile machine my doctor was using.
This evening in the shower, I became aware that my breasts were fuller. I came up with the logic that since I had never seen a convincingly dark line on my HPTs in the first place, if I’d really just miscarried, an HPT should be negative, or at least extremely faint or, you know, fainter than what I’d seen last week or, failing that, at least not darker.
I know. You’ve all warned me about the limitations of these tests. I already admitted I am insane. But I had one test left, just taunting me in the medicine cabinet. I had just peed right before my shower and only managed to squeeze out, seriously, two drops. I thought I’d wasted the test. But then, even before the control line showed, a bright test line appeared.
I actually had the second of my betas this morning. It wasn’t ordered STAT and I don’t know what happens at the labs on the weekends, so I don’t know whether results will be in Monday or Tuesday, but at least by Tuesday I figure I will have some quantitative proof that I belong in the fucking loony bin, and I will move on. I just need to figure out exactly how to frame my question to the OB nurse so that she doesn’t realize the crazy miscarriage girl thinks she might still be pregnant.
