In response to my recent post on why this ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage did not feel as bad as the first miscarriage, Sarah speculated that I never really believed I was pregnant this time.
It only lasted a week, but I really did believe I was pregnant. Excepting the one day of the lighter line (which then got darker), I thought I was going to get a take-home baby out of it, too. My c-section (at 39 weeks) was going to be September 22, if you must know. Born in early Fall, I’d have lots of snuggly months to wear the baby in the Ergo without sweating to death, and lots of time to get back into shape before spring. And speaking of getting back into shape, I was mildly disappointed that I was at the same pre-pregnancy weight as I was with Gatito, rather than the four pounds less I’d weighed a couple of months before. When the baby was born, Gatito would have just started preschool, Tata would still be around to help me out, and I’d be off work through the holidays, returning in the new year. Oh, and it was going to be a girl, since the deed had been done 3 days before ovulation and I am a believer in the theory that they y sperm swim faster but die sooner. I’m telling you: I really did believe I was pregnant and going to stay that way.
I know. Idiot.
The thing is, I had worked really hard to get myself to a place where I believed I was not high risk. I mean, the infertility had been debunked, as had the likely recurrent miscarrier stuff with the ANA and MTHFR, leaving just the very treatable progesterone issue. I convinced myself that perhaps I worried all the way through my pregnancy with Gatito simply because I’d heard too many pregnancy horror stories. I thought it was a mentally healthy thing to do to acknowledge that in all likelihood I would have a physically healthy pregnancy.
I actually felt a little bit guilty for getting pregnant so easily, practically by accident. But now I think, would that really have been so awful, so unfair, for me to get pregnant easily and stay pregnant? Didn’t I pay at least some dues, if perhaps far less than many of you? Other people get and stay pregnant all the time. Why not me?
I know this all sounds terribly melodramatic again, and not in the least bit original. I’ve read a hundred people– probably more– write the same thing about miscarriage and infertility. I also know that it is going to sound like denial if I tell you that I’m really doing quite fine, but it’s true. I’m functioning quite well, thinking about this probably only 10% of my waking hours, in contrast to about 99.9% after the first miscarriage, but nevertheless, I do manage to work up a little bit of anger every now and then.
(Beta at 65 today. Next week’s test should be my last.)
