So much for red-headed solidarity
March 24, 2008The nursery school was nice. Gatito played a little and we had circle time and the teacher and director talked to the adults (all moms plus A) about what to expect. They were warm and friendly, and from the way they talked, I could tell that they are very focused on understanding the world from a three-year-old’s point of view, and that they’re good at it. Among other things, I liked what they said about discipline. Basically, they are focused on re-directing and understanding, not on punishment. (This was in response to one woman had asked if there is a “listening chair.” WTF?) They were nicely in line with this post, which was a terrific articulation of the discomfort I’ve had with “time out” but hadn’t been able to articulate.
But they were very clear that they would not let the kids hurt each other, which is reassuring, after what I’ve read from some of you about schools letting kids bite and otherwise beat up on each other.
There is a red-head girl in the class and at the end, Gatito was standing in her general vicinity as her mother was putting her coat on. The girl had a piece of train track in her head and I heard her mother say, “Don’t you dare!” Next thing I knew, she threw it at Gatito. Perhaps this will reveal how little time I get to spend with Gatito and other little kids: I gasped audibly.
It wasn’t because he was hurt. (It hit him in the chest and he was already wearing his puffy winter coat.) I think I was just surprised because it came out of noplace. They hadn’t previously been interacting, he didn’t have a toy that she wanted. I’m sure she had her reasons (she’d been a sourpuss since she arrived), but they had nothing to do with Gatito. The mom felt terribly apologized immediately and commanded her daughter to do the same, but by then, Gatito had headed off towards A. I accepted the moms apology, of course, and then I noticed how bewildered Gatito was looking.
If this had happened on the playground, I probably would have shrugged it off and moved on, but he looked confused and sad, and I was afraid that he might dwell on this and be afraid to come to school in September. I know it’s six months away, but two-year-olds have looooong memories. At least this one does. I needed him to know that what happened wasn’t okay and that it wasn’t what he should expect from school, so I crouched down and told him that. Then I asked the teacher to do the same, which, I was pleased to see, she did without hesitation.
After work this evening, Gatito and I took a walk. (As a side note, this is the first time he’s picked me to hang out with when A was an option since September 2006! Could we possibly, possibly be turning a corner on this Daddy favoritism?) On the walk, he asked me what I said to the purple girl (his teacher was wearing purple, I think) and what she said to him and we talked again about how his teacher would take care of him and help him be safe. I hope he was reassured and that this is the end of it. A thinks I made too much of it and created a situation for him, and I suppose that’s possible, but I’m pretty sure I did the right thing.
Coda: I ran into my neighbors tonight and it turns out that their daughter is going to be in Gatito’s class. We didn’t see them at today’s playgroup because they were invited to an earlier 9:30 session. To say that would have been a more convenient time for us is an enormous understatement. I am so annoyed we weren’t given that option!
As another side note, I reached out to these neighbors when they moved in two years ago and I was hurt when they blew me off. I even wondered if it was because they met a bitchy woman in the neighborhood and they bonded over being super skinny and the bitchy woman turned them against me. (I seriously, seriously thought that.) Tonight, the husband went out of his way to tell me that right after we met, she got pregnant with their twin boys and very sick and then they had newborn preemie twins (plus a 2-year-old daughter) and basically they were prisoners for over two years, but they want to hang out now! Apparently it’s not all about me. Ahem.
I bet you doughnuts to dollars that G and that girl will be good friends next September.
And if I’m wrong, you’ll be having so much fun with your new friends the neighbors to notice!
New friends! Verah cool!
Ainsley has always been sensitive to other kids’ moves and accidental (or purposeful) insensitivity. In fact, she is one of the only children who didn’t get gnawed on by the biter in class because, as the teacher puts it, “she doesn’t ask for her toys back if he tries to snatch them - she just shares or gives them up and then looks kind of lost and hurt.” I have seen that face a few times, like, “What did they throw that toy at me?” look. I think it says a lot about Gatito that he reacted the way he did - and it says a lot about you and your parenting, too.
What? It is totally all about you. The nerve of those people!
Do people really bond over being super skinny?
What you did with the purple girl sounds like really good quick thinking and exactly the right thing to me, at least it would be for my kid.
obviously it’s not all about you. i’m pretty sure it’s all about me.
sounds like the teacher will be a good fit, which can really make a difference. was gatito having fun before that?
Yikes - the throwing and fighting over toys and whatnot is insane with kids that age…we’ve had many incidents, some even started by one Mr. Smacky himself. For what it’s worth, I’ve been getting bad vibes from our toddler drop-off class (because of that type of stuff) and withdrew him for the next session. There are kids whose moms are committed to teaching manners and social skills and then there are those who get no direction whatsoever and this class seemed to be full of the latter. I don’t mind the little incidents - it’s part of socialization and he needs to learn how to handle conflict- but the children who aren’t taught those skills can become downright mean. I think it’s smart to be proactive about what Gatito will be exposed to - he’s still a wee babe and needs to know you have his back. And you just showed him that you indeed do.
And uh, your poor neighbors - bet you’ll wind up the best of friends!