Galloping Cats

I wishy-washed and flip-flopped for a few days before deciding that I could have the patience to be cautious just a teeny bit longer and wait for ovulation in the right side, whenever that may be. If the next “trying” cycle is not a success, I figure I can re-evaluate at that time. So I called yesterday and scheduled an appointment for June 9. Then, lying in bed last night, I re-counted and had to call back this morning to reschedule for the 3rd. Oops.

I have to say, it doesn’t hurt to read about just how terribly my newly pregnant blogging friends are feeling right now. I’m sorry. It’s not that I want any of them to feel badly. It’s just that it’s such a relief that I don’t feel like that at this moment. I do realize that if I ever get what I want, I will simply be behind them on the misery curve but for now, I’m appreciating not being on that curve at all.

Like an idiot for inventing pregnancy symptoms during the two week wait.

Like a jerk for daring to be disappointed after one measly month.

Like I am having a hard time reading the posts of several of my favorite bloggers who are newly pregnant with their seconds.

Unbelievably grateful that I’m not feeling the unpleasant side effects of being pregnant right now.

Like maybe I’m being overly cautious by doing the follicle checks. After all, we caught the ectopic early and I didn’t have surgery, just a little methotrexate. The damage must be quite minimal.

Like I’m rationalizing to get to the answer I want.

Like trying to conceive is like crack, and I just don’t want to skip a month so I’m rationalizing to get to the answer I want.

Like I’ll feel like an even bigger idiot if I don’t do the monitoring and I wind up with another ectopic on the left side and lose another four months, not to mention the actual unpleasantness of the ectopic.

Confused.

Go ahead and tell me what to do. Just don’t use the word “assvice.” I hate that word and it doesn’t apply anyway because I’m actually asking for your thoughts and advice.

I got my period this morning, while peeing on a stick. How’s that for efficient? I didn’t even need to peer anxiously at the test for three minutes or examine it in different kinds of light for a faint hint, a shadow of a line!

Interesting that it came early (on time for me) at 12dpo despite the use of the progesterone. In my limited experience, that tends to delay things a bit

Say something funny, not sympathetic. I don’t deserve sympathy for not getting pregnant the first month.

More later on my complicated feelings about this. Now I have to go to work. In my gorgeous new dress.

I forgot about the part of trying to conceive in which you are reluctant to make plans because you don’t know if and when you are going to get knocked up. So in the spirit of Caro, who used to buy new pants monthly when she was trying to conceive, I’m just going to try to ignore the trying to conceive stuff as much as possible.

Last week, I bought a pair of slim-fitting pants on sale at J.Crew, and today I signed up for a working women’s tennis clinic*, which starts next Tuesday. I figure, let the fact that I’ve wasted some money on pants that don’t fit or tennis lessons I can’t take be my biggest problem.

* I haven’t played since high school. Aiiii! (And I’ll be using my racket from high school– from freshman year of high school– too!)

Sometimes it takes a certain amount of effort to remember why I love my OB so much.

He started the visit by telling me I was not pregnant.

Uh, thanks for the newsflash.

I did wonder why the nurse asked me to pee in a cup when I arrived. She didn’t even use an extra sensitive test. I can guarantee you that I will know if I am pregnant before my doctor will. What a waste.

Inserting the wand and taking a glance he asks, How much did you take this month? 50?

50 what?

Oh, he remembers, you’re not doing Clomid, this is just to check on which side you are ovulating.

Hmph. You mean he doesn’t remember the details of our every conversation? And he didn’t at least write it down in my chart next to the words “follicle check” when we talked last week?

Rooting around in there, he sees some activity, but says I already ovulated.

Dude, I have a spreadsheet to keep track of these things. It was Day 11 and I always ovulate around Day 16. I mean, anything is possible but it sure didn’t seem likely.

Oohhhh, there it is! It was hiding. Follicle growing on the right side– the undamaged side, as far as we know.

Game on! I’m ready!

I can’t think of anything to write… just waiting to see what the ultrasound says. I am going to try to maintain equanimity if it turns out that I am ovulating on the wrong side to try this month. After all, there is only a 50/50 chance. I think part of me will be grateful to push the worrying off for another month.

But I turn 33 next Saturday and I suddenly feel the threat of “advanced maternal age” bearing down on me. (And they count your age at due date, not at conception, don’t they?!) Plus over the past week I’ve gone from two regular gray hairs to five or six and I’m thinking it would be nice to get this gestating over before I have to start coloring.

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I am addicted to Scrabulous. The situation is bordering on out of control.

I finally managed to speak to the OB today and we have agreed that next Wednesday morning we will take a peek at my insides and decide whether or not this is a “trying” month. I am now worried that I made this too early. He said Day 10-12 and this is Day 11, but I tend to ovulate late in my cycle, so this is 4-5 days before I expect my LH surge. Do you know if it will be possible to see a follicle this early? I guess if not, I will just have to come back but time is not something in great supply these days. And not just because of Scrabulous.

Oh, and by the way, there are three indications that I am on my way to glaucoma. I swear I deserve some sort of award for the way I pile up minor medical problems.