How I feel
May 27, 2008Like an idiot for inventing pregnancy symptoms during the two week wait.
Like a jerk for daring to be disappointed after one measly month.
Like I am having a hard time reading the posts of several of my favorite bloggers who are newly pregnant with their seconds.
Unbelievably grateful that I’m not feeling the unpleasant side effects of being pregnant right now.
Like maybe I’m being overly cautious by doing the follicle checks. After all, we caught the ectopic early and I didn’t have surgery, just a little methotrexate. The damage must be quite minimal.
Like I’m rationalizing to get to the answer I want.
Like trying to conceive is like crack, and I just don’t want to skip a month so I’m rationalizing to get to the answer I want.
Like I’ll feel like an even bigger idiot if I don’t do the monitoring and I wind up with another ectopic on the left side and lose another four months, not to mention the actual unpleasantness of the ectopic.
Confused.
Go ahead and tell me what to do. Just don’t use the word “assvice.” I hate that word and it doesn’t apply anyway because I’m actually asking for your thoughts and advice.
no advice, just I miss you and you can never rationalize these things.
What’s pushing you away from the follicle checks? Expense? Hassle? Fear of being too fearful? I’m risk averse, so I’d be seeing the u/s appointments as a chance to catch up on magazine reading.
I will just say - I think all of these feelings make perfect sense. And I think they are all completely valid. That’s not advice, I know.. but sometimes it just helps me to know that I’m not crazy. You’re not crazy.
You feel how you feel but none of the emotions you listed are unusual. I think you’re a normal woman, like the rest of us, trying to find the answers to the questions.
You want advice? Be kind to yourself. Please
Trying to conceive IS like crack.
And I always felt disappointed when I didn’t get pregnant even if it was early in the trying. And felt like a jerk for feeling like that. And had a hard time hearing/reading about people’s pregnancies. And felt like a jerk for feeling like that, esp. since it was so early on in the trying and I already had a baby!!!
If the follicle checks aren’t too big a hassle or expense, and it helps your peace of mind, get them. At least for a few more months (you don’t have to get them indefinitely, do you? Just until the tube has a chance to really heal? Forgive my ignorance on this).
For the rest … gah. Feelings suck sometimes.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
I would continue with the monitoring and the follie checks because in this uncontrollable world, it is nice to have some control over the information. You don’t strike me as the type to just say…when it happens…it happens.
It is hard to wait. And it is hard that no matter how much effort you put forth, you have little control. Not easy for a woman who has learned that with hard work, she can make anything happen.
My only advice is to stay busy. Keep your schedule booked.
Do you feel like the follicle checks are calming or agitating? if they are agitating, you might consider not doing them, if they are calming,then go right ahead.
You know what? In this TTC game you’ve already suffered two miscarriages which are losses which, in my humble estimation, pack enough of an emotional wallop to make anyone forever edgy about anything related to reproduction. Of course you’re disappointed about this month. And of course to all the rest. You’re normal, normal and normal and my only advice would be to keep doing what you’re doing - wear that gorgeous dress and play tennis and enjoy that nonpregnant nondizzy feeling while you can. Let yourself feel bad/good/indifferent about it all as the emotions come up…feelings are never right or wrong - they just are what they are. And I’d keep up with the follicle checks. The wait is gonna suck - no two ways about that - but this too will eventually pass. The question is when. And that’s the hardest part.
I remember when we were trying to get preggo, I bought a modest three pack of tests, which were promptly peed on the next week. I gave in, acknowledged that this was to be my compulsion until the test said +, and bought a bunch, couldn’t help myself. I should have bought stock in the test companies.
Wanting a child is visceral, sometimes agonizing. Seeing it happen for so many others, happy for them still, can feel like being on a diet in a donut shop.
I say, have a margarita or a glass of wine or whatever you do that you’ll soon have to give up when it happens for you.
No advice here; just some reassurance that all of the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are absolutely normal. Day said it all so perfectly
Hang in there; this too shall pass.
Oh, why does this whole thing have to be so complicated? Wait, that’s not advice. I would say that I agree with Sarah- determine whether the follicle checks make you feel better or worse. If they make you feel better or like you have some bit of control over this whole process (and insurance pays!) then keep on going. I have been through the entire range of emotions that you’re dealing with. It sucks to have to be all over the map, but it sucks worse to beat yourself up over feelings that you can’t help. So, my other advice is to stop that if you can. Then when you do, please tell me how you do it.
I think everything you’re feeling is completely normal. You’ve been through a lot these last few months- give yourself a break, woman!
And P.S.- I’m a firm believer in going with your gut, instinct, intuition, whatever you call it. If monitoring is what’s going to make you feel better, go for it! I don’t think you’ll ever regret doing it, but you might regret NOT doing it.