Confession
June 22, 2008Sometimes I’m not sure whether I want to get pregnant because I’m desperate for another baby or because I’m desperate for the trying/being pregnant phase of my life to be over. A quick conception/healthy pregnancy seems somehow a faster route to the end of this phase than either a drawn-out attempt or coming to terms in my head, without medical imperative, that Gatito will be my one and only.
The superstitious side of me cannot decide whether my ambivalence is a jinx that will ensure I conceive immediately and wind up feeling unhappy about it or never conceive/carry to term and wind up unhappy about that.
Oh, I just understand EXACTLY what you mean; and it is nice to have someone else admit she is as crazy as I am.
I felt that way A LOT with The Girl - couldn’t decide if it was a baby I wanted or the “win” of being pregnant.
Now, wishing for baby #2 I have equally crazy feelings. This time they are around when The Girl will EVER stop BF’ing, whether I should wean her or let her wean herself, what is my absolute cut off age because, dear god, I am so, so OLD. Oh, I could go on an on but it would eat up all of the available comment space.
Anyway … you are not alone.
I’m thinking of you, Cat.
I will say that I looked at another family that had two elementary aged children yesterday and secretly wished that it wasn’t NINE MILLION years away for us. I want another baby,etc. etc. etc. But I also want to get this show on the road and get this part of my life finished. So . . I totally get you.
You know, I think that’s true for a lot of life decisions. We like an outcome, and we can handle both the good and the bad, but the ambiguity is hard to manage, long term. I had a breakdown about an unrelated set of ambiguities - and basically wanted one way or another, but not “wait and see.”
Hang in there. I’m thinking of you…
I think your feelings are completely normal. Every time you make a decision, you affect your life. Having or NOT having another kid is HUGE. Being in a state of uncertainty is agony in my opinion.
xoxo.
IF is such a mindf*ck, isn’t it.
Thinking of you.
I can’t believe how much I KNOW what you are saying. I have to say that I think one reason I thought I wanted another so soon was because I have become so accustomed to worrying about becoming pregnant or being pregnant that I’m not sure how to live without that anymore. Kind of like coming off of a drug habit, you know it isn’t good for you, but without it, it feels like there a big hole there.
I really agree with JK — the fact that we make these decisions makes everything complicated… it is so God-like. And I have trouble picking out the right toothpaste.
I think that the problem is that there are so many unknowns and we like to have control over our lives, but we have absolutely no control over this stuff. So we are left alone with our imaginations and we know where that gets us. I think it is a woman thing. I swear, we should all be born men. Life might be a lot easier.
Even I, who has just spent the equivlent of a low wage workers yearly salary to get pregant, can identify with what you are saying. I think ambivilance is normal and healthy; it’s harder to fully embrace something if you’ve never reflected on it.
I do so know what you’re feeling. Hugs.
Yup. Exactly. (Still. Even at 22 weeks pregnant with #2.)