Channeling Charlotte
June 24, 2008Did you see Sex and the City? There is a part where Charlotte says that she has everything she’s ever wanted, and she’s terrified that something bad is going to happen. That’s a pretty good description of how I feel. It’s no way to live, really.
But I wonder if another part of my ambivalence about a second child is an unwillingness to really open myself up to the possibility of massive disappointment if it doesn’t work out.
I think this may be taking its toll on my subconscious. For the past two months, I’ve been lightheaded in the way that I am when I’m pregnant, and over the past week I’ve even thrown up several times. The fact that this all started at the same time I started trying to conceive again cannot be a coincidence. Nor can the fact that it only happens when I have time on my hands, but if I’m busy and distracted, I feel fine.
I’m hoping that by explicitly acknowledging to myself that this is all psychosomatic will help me kick it, because I just do not have the time for therapy right now.
That (using ambivalence as a defense mechanism to guard against disappointment) sounds extremely likely. Crappy, but likely. I did it to myself all the time while going for #2.
Well, if you aren’t really set on the idea, it won’t hurt as much if it doesn’t work out. Right?
No. But a gold star for trying.
The vertigo can bring on the vomiting. Maybe you need a trip to the doctor for a peek in your ears? Or, try my life-saving Clear nose spray, which will clear up fluid in your ears, if that is the issue.
“an unwillingness to really open myself up to the possibility of massive disappointment if it doesn’t work out”
Yeah, that pretty much sums up the way I felt about IVF for … uhm … a kind of long time. Finally I’ve decided it’s worth the risk of disappointment to know what the fates allow.
I understand. And I know you’ll find your way through this.
There’ve been times in my life where I’ve had those Charlotte thoughts, too. My faith is important to my DH and me, so during our 4th and 5th years of marriage, when we realized that life had been going quite peachy overall for us, we started praying that we could be just as quick to recognize God’s goodness in life when the hard times would hit. We knew that things weren’t going to stay green forever.
Huh. Within the next year, I had 2 miscarriages. (and we’ve kind of stopped praying that, actually).
Though isn’t that kind of the cycle of life? Good times, bad times…the pendulum sways…
You’re a smart girl, Cat, and I think you have some good insight in your situation. I could say something about how valuable and good things in life often require some element of risk and effort, but logically, you already know that. If you don’t try to put yourself up for risk and disappointment again, will you always wonder…what if? And if so, will that thought drive you mad, or can you live with it? I certainly am not suggesting one way over the other… just questions to ask yourself. And it’s often hard to determine a clear answer, no?
I’m currently 26w pregnant. And so, of course it’s easy for me to now say that that I’m glad we tried yet again, esp. after having so many concerns about whether we could do this again. But, who knows?! Will this pregnancy fail yet? What would it take for me to reach my limit and say, that’s it, we’re done with this? No good answer…. Though I do find that, in retrospect, I often was stronger than I thought I’d be.
Hoping you develop a sense of clarity and peace about this. Lots to think about, I know.
Incidentally, I work as a therapist, and really, I think you’re doing quite fine on your own….
Sadly, there is no way to protect one’s self from the feelings taht come from loss and disappointment,but as humans, we are all gung ho to try! I hope you don’t have to be disappointed.
I feel that way too, and I always pray that it be something besides my little family that takes a hit - our finances, our jobs, etc., but not our health.
Every time Cory takes one or both kids somewhere, I fear something could happen to them. Every time.
I remember doing that whole trying to protect myself thing when I was dealing with infertility, especially after my first miscarriage. Guess what? My second miscarriage hurt really bad too. I think I did something like you are here. Admitted to myself that not only is that what I was doing, but that it didn’t even work, so I might as well live in the moment of hope.
Good luck.
part of me was terrifed to adopt again cuz how could i love another as much as my first? trust me, you do. it is worth all the doubt you are feeling now (normal feelings) and your children will always have each other and a family. go for it!!!
Funny you should post this, I was just composing a similar entry in my head (only mine DOESN’T have a happy ending.)