There are five years between my sister and me because my mom could not decide whether or not to have another child. The reason for her ambivalence was the opposite of mine: She found parenting a young child difficult and boring and had neither the support of my father, who was the typical uninvolved workaholic father, nor much of a social network. For me, I’m more afraid of disrupting what is a pretty easy, pretty perfect life, all things considered.
What my mom found was that she could never put it to rest when she “decided” to have only one child, but as soon as she decided to have a second, she felt sure of the decision. She conceived in the first and second month of trying both times, so she never had to re-visit that decision, as I have for the past four months. But I suspect where we’re similar is that I doubt I’ll make peace with a decision to stop trying for a second without some external force.
I don’t know why I feel like there is something wrong, and I don’t know what I think is wrong. It was only seven months ago that I conceived spontaneously, almost accidentally, so I have no reason to believe that A or I have a fertility problem. I clearly have a progesterone problem/borderline luteal phase defect, but that didn’t stop me from carrying Gatito successfully, with the help of supplementation, so no reason to believe that will be a factor here. The problem that is statistically the most likely– repeat ectopic pregnancy– is the one I think about the least lately, for some reason.
I’m trying not to spend too much time on what steps I would or wouldn’t be willing to take because I’m not there yet, and I don’t think that anyone can really know what they will or will not do when they’re actually faced with a particular situation. I’ll just say that right now I’m leaning towards less, not more, for a variety of reasons.
As I begin the two week wait, I’ve promised myself not to test early, but to wait it out and see what happens. I have only one test left over from last month, and the plan right now is to save it for the 14th day, if I get that far. The truth is, though it may be hard to tell from what I write here, I’m not angst-ridden most of the time. I’m just living my life. And it’s a good one.
Stay tuned.
The answer will come with time but I understand the ambivalence … as well as needing an external force to make peace. Enjoying your good life in the meantime is an excellent plan, though.
With work, home and Gatito, I know you don’t have time to dwell much on the subject. You strike me as a realist, so I think that you will be fine with whatever happens in the end.
Weird how life repeats itself–sort of. I hope you are happy with however this little experiement in reporduction ends.