Comments for Galloping Cats

Comment on Help, please by Lily

Lily — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 11:39:12 +0000

I dunno. She does care a lot about him – and there really can never be too many people on earth who care for your children. I would monitor this first conversation, and if it feels like it gets sad, to an earlier point, find an escape plan. Prompt G to “tell her about summer camp!” and “tell her what you did at the pool” – drive his side of the conversation, since driving hers is hard.

If it does go a sad direction, get out, and then tell Tata afterwards that he was overly impacted by the chat – and that you don’t want to put him through it again. If she want to talk again, it has to be different. At that point, rather than being a forward-looking suggestion, you have data.

I keep thinking .. this is a tough lesson on loss in G’s life – but he is blessed not to have many many harder ones yet…

Comment on Help, please by maggie

maggie — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 03:01:54 +0000

I second donormama – i would let this relationship phase out – there is no reason to keep this alive and it does just confuse him — good luck!

Comment on Help, please by donormama

donormama — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 01:43:00 +0000

As harsh as this might sound, if Gaitito is not asking for her without prompting from you (ie, not asking to see her, talk to her on the phone, write her etc.), then I would not schedule any time for the two of them to have contact. Even though Gaitito is a smart boy, it is emotionally confusing to have continued contact with her (especially a Skype chat). From what you describe, he has moved on. He is happy with his new nanny (right?) It is not your job to handle Tata’s emotions.

I had a similar situation with a former part-time sitter. My son was extremely bonded with her over her 18 month employment with us, but we had to part ways due to some issues she was having in her personal life. Thinking I was helping him and her, I arranged a meeting for the 3 of us at a local shopping/play area. It was a disaster. My son (who was about a year younger than Gaitito at the time) was so confused as to why we were seeing her, and it started all over again the questions about why she couldn’t see him every week. The reality is that this phenomenon is going to happen to Gaitito over and over again as long as you are working — nannies are going to come and go. He will learn to deal with it (and it sounds like he already has) as long as you provide the continuity for him — and in this case the continuity is NOT seeing her or otherwise contacting her.

Comment on Help, please by existere

existere — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 17:28:43 +0000

I think there’s nothing wrong with phasing out contact if it is damaging in any way for Gatito. People move on and say goodbye, and we all learn that.

I don’t doubt she loves him and misses him, but this all sounds a bit creepy and insensitive!

I’d chat with her beforehand. You can couch it in such terms as it’s doing you a favour – ‘Listen, Gatito really misses you and I’m sure neither of us wants him to get upset. Could you do me a favour and just keep the call light and fun, maybe ask him about how he’s doing at school/whatever. I know he’d like to tell you!’

Good luck.

Comment on Help, please by sweetcoalminer

sweetcoalminer — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:09:36 +0000

I couldn’t agree with Jess more. She’s 100% right on. My stepmother did exactly that to the kids: “you want to come over? I’ll buy you chocolates! Let’s go shopping. Let’s cuddle. Do you miss me? Do you love me?”

It was nauseating to watch. At first it would confuse and upset them, and after their Skype, I would have to take the kids out for something bubbly and fun to distract them. But after a while (a month or so?) they became totally immune to it. Mimi kept asking me for clarification re whether they were coming to visit, whether we were going there, whether they would send chocolates in the mail, etc. And we discussed it. Poor Frank believes that they’re all living in the computer now.

Jess is right on, though. Have something awesomely fun lined up for after, and maybe set a timer for 10 minutes or whatever and then explain you have to go.