When I saw Dr. Twelve last Tuesday, she seemed to think I was 2-3 days away from ovulation. Now, on CD 16, I have yet to see a positive on the OPK and I’m annoyed. I need to know the date so I know when to start/stop the progesterone, and I can’t figure out if the sticks failed to show the surge this month (they’ve always worked for me in the past) or if it’s still to come. Argghhhh.
Dude. Dr. Nice was not in the office today. I rely on Dr. Nice. How can he go off and have a family emergency that is going to leave him out of the office for an indeterminate amount of time? The various people were all hush hush about the details. I think it’s nice that they are so respectful of his privacy, but I can’t help but wonder if they know how little respect he has for theirs. I know about one’s daughter’s anorexia, another one’s brain cancer (she seems to have recovered), etc., etc.
Anyhoo. Their was some scurrying around by the front office staff and I distinctly heard some begging as they called the various nurses and cajoled them into fitting me into their doctor’s schedules. The only one who would was Dr. Twelve Years Old. I would say she made me feel old, except that she specifically told me I was not old.
It went like this:
Dr. Twelve: How old are you?
Me: 33.
Dr. Twelve: Oh. You’re not old.
Me: …
I mean, do I look older than that? And what age would I have had to say for her to have declared me old? (Now I am wondering if she is the resident that came into my hospital room the day after I delivered Gatito and told me it looked like I still had another baby in my stomach.)
Anyway, I am being mean, but she was nice. She asked me my age in formulating her response to my question about whether I was doing the right thing with these follicle checks. I am ovulating on the left (wrong) side this month, but she basically said she thinks I should go for it anyway, and said that there’s no medical protocol/evidence of increased success by monitoring follicles, particularly because the ectopic was treated medically, rather than surgically.
So, I don’t know. I am thinking I will take her advice. After all, Dr. Nice declared himself the King of Ectopics, so maybe it’s a good thing that he wasn’t around this week.
I wishy-washed and flip-flopped for a few days before deciding that I could have the patience to be cautious just a teeny bit longer and wait for ovulation in the right side, whenever that may be. If the next “trying” cycle is not a success, I figure I can re-evaluate at that time. So I called yesterday and scheduled an appointment for June 9. Then, lying in bed last night, I re-counted and had to call back this morning to reschedule for the 3rd. Oops.
I have to say, it doesn’t hurt to read about just how terribly my newly pregnant blogging friends are feeling right now. I’m sorry. It’s not that I want any of them to feel badly. It’s just that it’s such a relief that I don’t feel like that at this moment. I do realize that if I ever get what I want, I will simply be behind them on the misery curve but for now, I’m appreciating not being on that curve at all.
I had drinks with an old friend from my first job last night, after not seeing each other for at least four years. He looked great– better than ever.
Back in the day, he was a notorious cheapskate. Even after I got him a job (in bad economic times, mind you), he thanked me with a single slice of pizza.
Last night, when the bill came, he dove for it and paid while I sat there in shock.
He’s all grown up!
Weird.
Like an idiot for inventing pregnancy symptoms during the two week wait.
Like a jerk for daring to be disappointed after one measly month.
Like I am having a hard time reading the posts of several of my favorite bloggers who are newly pregnant with their seconds.
Unbelievably grateful that I’m not feeling the unpleasant side effects of being pregnant right now.
Like maybe I’m being overly cautious by doing the follicle checks. After all, we caught the ectopic early and I didn’t have surgery, just a little methotrexate. The damage must be quite minimal.
Like I’m rationalizing to get to the answer I want.
Like trying to conceive is like crack, and I just don’t want to skip a month so I’m rationalizing to get to the answer I want.
Like I’ll feel like an even bigger idiot if I don’t do the monitoring and I wind up with another ectopic on the left side and lose another four months, not to mention the actual unpleasantness of the ectopic.
Confused.
Go ahead and tell me what to do. Just don’t use the word “assvice.” I hate that word and it doesn’t apply anyway because I’m actually asking for your thoughts and advice.
I got my period this morning, while peeing on a stick. How’s that for efficient? I didn’t even need to peer anxiously at the test for three minutes or examine it in different kinds of light for a faint hint, a shadow of a line!
Interesting that it came early (on time for me) at 12dpo despite the use of the progesterone. In my limited experience, that tends to delay things a bit
Say something funny, not sympathetic. I don’t deserve sympathy for not getting pregnant the first month.
More later on my complicated feelings about this. Now I have to go to work. In my gorgeous new dress.
So says Gatito, upon spying my lady bits after barging in while I was on the toilet.
My response? “Go tell Daddy.”
Am I lay-zee or what?
***
For my birthday, I got myself a cute tennis skirt, shirt, and shoes. Who cares if my racket is seventeen years old as long as I look good? Isn’t that the most important thing? Clinic starts Tuesday.
Then, with a few minutes to spare before our dinner reservations, I popped into a new boutique and found the most gorgeous, flattering dress. I love this dress so much that being able to wear it for a while would actually be a pretty decent consolation prize if this is not my month.
***
I forgot about how the tiniest things can make me worry when there’s a possibility I could be pregnant. How aware I am of every tiny twinge or ache. I woke up this morning with a painful swollen lymph node near my jaw and I cannot help but wonder if and how some kind of infection could affect development of a potential embryo at this very tender stage.
***
Every time I am in the two week wait, I wonder why I never poke my boobs at times when I know I’m not pregnant, so I have something to compare with. They’re not sore, but they do seem a bit less droopy than normal and my nipples have been damp more often than usual.
(Speaking of… What the hell? Am I going to have occasionally damp nipples for the rest of my freakin’ life? I only breast fed for four weeks 2.5 years ago! It seems a bit unfair.)
I usually don’t get a positive test till 13 dpo, which is not till Friday. Onwards…
I wanted to call American Airlines today for a question about my flight. It looked like all the seats were already booked, so I was wondering if I had any chance at all of getting on, even though I have a ticket.
I submitted to the computer, agreeably answering things like “reservations” and telling them my frequent flyer number, but it was getting me noplace. The computer just kept telling me things I didn’t need to know, like the times of my flight and the fact that I did not have a seat reservation.
“Representative,” I requested.
“Your options are ‘repeat’, ‘main menu’, or ‘finished’,” the computer replied.
“Representative!” I demanded.
“Your options are ‘repeat’, ‘main menu’, or ‘finished’,” the computer replied.
“I want to talk to a fucking person!” I shouted in irritation.
“A representative will be right with you,” the computer replied.
Ida came on the line immediately.
I calmly and casually mentioned that she might want to pass the message on that the American Airlines customer service that their system would only respond to swearing.
“I’m not allowed to swear on the job,” she told me.
“I’m not saying you should swear,” I told her. “I’m not really a swearer myself.” [I'm totally going to be struck by lightening.] “I just think they might want to know that the system didn’t respond to polite requests to speak with a representative.”
Silence.
[C'mon, it was kind of funny!]
Bottom line: She claims the seat just can’t be reserved in advance but there is space. Wish me luck.
Also: I still have my fear about flying causing miscarriage, but how can I spend my life refusing to get on an occasional plane for work when I don’t even know if I am pregnant? And I know there’s no evidence that it actually does cause problems. I am just telling myself that people doing IVF get on flights home right after all the time, right?
I forgot about the part of trying to conceive in which you are reluctant to make plans because you don’t know if and when you are going to get knocked up. So in the spirit of Caro, who used to buy new pants monthly when she was trying to conceive, I’m just going to try to ignore the trying to conceive stuff as much as possible.
Last week, I bought a pair of slim-fitting pants on sale at J.Crew, and today I signed up for a working women’s tennis clinic*, which starts next Tuesday. I figure, let the fact that I’ve wasted some money on pants that don’t fit or tennis lessons I can’t take be my biggest problem.
* I haven’t played since high school. Aiiii! (And I’ll be using my racket from high school– from freshman year of high school– too!)
Sometimes it takes a certain amount of effort to remember why I love my OB so much.
He started the visit by telling me I was not pregnant.
Uh, thanks for the newsflash.
I did wonder why the nurse asked me to pee in a cup when I arrived. She didn’t even use an extra sensitive test. I can guarantee you that I will know if I am pregnant before my doctor will. What a waste.
Inserting the wand and taking a glance he asks, How much did you take this month? 50?
50 what?
Oh, he remembers, you’re not doing Clomid, this is just to check on which side you are ovulating.
Hmph. You mean he doesn’t remember the details of our every conversation? And he didn’t at least write it down in my chart next to the words “follicle check” when we talked last week?
Rooting around in there, he sees some activity, but says I already ovulated.
Dude, I have a spreadsheet to keep track of these things. It was Day 11 and I always ovulate around Day 16. I mean, anything is possible but it sure didn’t seem likely.
Oohhhh, there it is! It was hiding. Follicle growing on the right side– the undamaged side, as far as we know.
Game on! I’m ready!
